I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
