I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
