Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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