I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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