I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm at about main and main street
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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