You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize