Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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