he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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