when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
