It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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