I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
