I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
