Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
