Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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