my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
