He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
