Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
