dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
