i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
