hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
