worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
