You're my little dorito
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
