I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
