I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
