Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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