I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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