Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
