I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
