just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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