He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
