i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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