I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
