bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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