I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
