remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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