Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
