That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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