Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
