They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
