I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
