I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Just puked most of my soul out..
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
