He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
