Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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