I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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