I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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