no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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