sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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