Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
