My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need to calm my uterus...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
