Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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