So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
So much rum. So many feels.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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