I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
