I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
