and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
