3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Someone came in the potted fern
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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