Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
